Questing for Vision

In experiencing my own essence, I came to realize that my story is not what is different it is how I show up to tell
it. What is unique is my own essence. My quest started long before I went up to the mountain, but the five days
spent alone in prayer, fasting and meditation really brought about divine peace. My quest was at Mt Rogers,
Virginia. While quests typically involve a group I went only with my guide. We packed up the mountain about 2
miles and set up base camp. I spent the first day sensing the area for place I would make home for the next 3
days. My first lesson came with trying to set up my tarp and I soon discovered that going with the natural flow
produced better results than trying to force my will upon how the tarp was going to lie. I stayed in the area the
rest of the day and went back to base camp late afternoon.

Alicia and I shared my last meal and reviewed my prayer. I was asked the question of what it was that I was going
to mark. After some inner struggle and inability to identify it, she only left me with a question to wrestle with during
the night and that was to determine what I wanted to mark. I needed to decide what was the one thing that got
me through the toughest times of my life. My decision would be made before I was sent out the next morning.
That evening the wind and rain came in like a ram and temperatures dropped significantly. The next morning we
waited for a break in the rain and Alicia performed the ceremony that enabled me to transcend from what I thought
I knew into the land of spirit. Before stepping from the sacred circle I marked my faith.

The first day was spent under my tarp looking out at the rain, trying to stay warm and listening to the howl of the
wind. I was on top of a rock formation and my tarp was only about 2 feet above the ground. I was in my tomb
looking out and could begin to recognize the first stages of surrender. The rain never stopped and the wind howled
all day. It was so cold. My internal thrashing began. While lying there, I began the many struggles with my
thoughts and feelings as the day passed and the temperature continued to drop. I was so cold I could hardly move
and had layered with all the blankets and cloths I had. My fear of actually dying in this place crept in. My ego started
telling me there was nothing spiritual about this only insanity. I was contemplating walking back to my jeep but that
was miles away and it meant I would have to ask Alicia for my keys. Stay/Go, Quit/Stick it out was my struggle.
Ego shaming me for wanting to quit as well as feeling greatness for sticking it out and being able to tell how I
endured. I pushed myself to stay longer. Finally, a little voice within stepped in and said you do not have to prove
to anyone anything especially who you are and do not compromise yourself trying. You do not have to punish
yourself in order to be good. The thrashing ended, I listened and returned to base camp to spend the night in my
tent.

The wind and rain pounded my tent all night and noise was great. I embraced my feelings of helplessness and fear.
The wind humbled me and stripped me while the rain was cleansing me and my faith was strengthened. I later
discovered the temperature dropped to 21 degrees that night. I rose at sunrise the next morning. The wind still
howled but it was a sun shiny day. I took the second day as an opportunity to explore the mountain and hiked up
to the highest point I could get to. The feeling of freedom and being completely uninhibited consumed me. I arrived
back at my home late afternoon and recall the howling of the wind being so loud I could not even hear any
thoughts the entire day. The second day I recalled that since my arrival all the animals ran off or flew away. I felt
like an intruder. I also moved my tarp from the ground and draped it over a large rock. I planned to stay but again
this evening I just sat and knew that I had to return back to base camp this evening, but before I left, I felt a
warming and belongingness in this place with all creatures. This moment produced my second message and that
was to rest, be quiet, and listen.


My third night was the last night.

I have always been determined to be the best I could be but the main driver of that was I never thought I was
good enough. I was driven without giving myself acceptance, love and nurturing. My journey to the mountain
brought clarity in that I am as good as I can be at any moment and it is okay just to be. The journey through life
will be made it's just a matter of how do I want to approach it - fighting or flowing with the current. I picked up
things from others and took them into myself sometimes without even knowing it. The messages played out in my
life until worn and the pressure to change and let go of everything I thought I knew was so great I could no longer
bear it. My journey to the mountain provided an opportunity to let the tapes of the past play without interference.
It was as if my life was playing out before me and I had no emotional or mental attachment. The messages that
started to come to me were from a place I had not been in touch with it and that was from within. They were from
Spirit. A place within that I lost touch with and stopped listening to many years ago.

Djuna Roberts