A Philadelphian recently transplanted to New Jersey, Moira Moody is pursuing an MFA in fiction at Rutgers
University, Newark, where she also teaches. Moira Moody has previously worked as a proofreader at a sales
training company and as an AmeriCorps member at a high school for at-risk youth. Last year, Moira
coordinated a collaborative writing project exploring Philadelphia historical artifacts. Although she mostly
writes fiction, she has previously published essays and poetry about education, Frisbee, and elephants.
http://writing.upenn.edu/wh/involved/awards/juniorfellow/scrapbook/
University, Newark, where she also teaches. Moira Moody has previously worked as a proofreader at a sales
training company and as an AmeriCorps member at a high school for at-risk youth. Last year, Moira
coordinated a collaborative writing project exploring Philadelphia historical artifacts. Although she mostly
writes fiction, she has previously published essays and poetry about education, Frisbee, and elephants.
http://writing.upenn.edu/wh/involved/awards/juniorfellow/scrapbook/
Vampire Resource File: Ellis, Ned.
Prologue:
[From the chat history of Janice Wilbug]
11/02/08: 4:33 PM Janice Wilbug: U there?
11/02/08: 434 PM Janice Wilbug: …
11/02/08: 4:34 PM Janice Wilbug: I guess ur busy. Just wanted to say u r a great friend, and don’t let those old bloodsuckers
get u down.
11/02/08: 4:37 PM Janice Wilbug: Oh, and also, I put an ad for a job in ur office mailbox, maybe u shd look into it.
***************
The Bleeding Heart Register
Evening Edition
10/30/08
WANT AD:
Do you want to Save a Life?
Work at the blood bank, and do your part to help the Red Cross aid the nation’s sick. Help recruit, and make volunteers and
donors feel comfortable during blood drives. Full-time, hours variable. No experience necessary. Contact Beth at 278-377-6363
to make a difference today.
***************************************************************************
VAMPIRE RESOURCE FILE: Ellis, Ned.
Date: 11/2/08
To: Janice Wilbug
From: Rod Eyeflint
Re: Assignment During Vacation
Janice,
I’ve attached, in chronological order, materials pertaining to current Vampire Associate Ned Ellis. I would like you to look over the
documents, highlight the dates (the duration of my evaluation will be important) and then forward them to Margie Anise in the
Vampire Resources Dept. Please set up an appointment with her to discuss this matter upon my return. Also, please monitor my
work e-mail and forward anything in the “grim reaper” category of urgency to my blackberry according to my rating system of
red flags, black flags, skull flags, and grim reaper flags. Otherwise, I do not wish to hear from anyone at the agency, as I hope
to fully enjoy my two weeks with Sandy in the Bavarian Black Forest. I appreciate in advance your sanguine demeanor with any
callers in my absence; you are, of course, my public face at this time. Also, as you agreed to take care of my newts and venus fly
trap collections, you will find their dietary restrictions taped to the freezer in the crypt.
Thanks again!
Rod
***************
The end of winter, (the sour cusp of spring)
2008
Dear Rod,
It’s been too long since I’ve talked to you. I miss the business... the constant rush of going out in the field, bringing new blood
into the company, and knowing that the people I bring in will be the face of tomorrow’s Vampire, Inc. I’m not made for
retirement (har har, I never thought I’d say that). I still receive the Viper Monthly, although it’s hard for me to read very long. I
find myself unfocused, hanging onto reality by my toes, as it were.
I’m sorry if I am too upfront — I’ve always been an unorthodox old bat. I’m writing because I saw that wonderful opinion piece
you wrote on the importance of business etiquette. I couldn’t agree more. Technology bedamned, the deal will always rest on
the inscrutable something that the Vampire brings to his interactions.
Which brings me to one of my other concerns... do you remember my son, Ned? I used to bring him around the office when he
was still teething. Born to be a Vampire, right? I think so, he thinks so, and I’m hoping you’ll think so. I’ve let him run loose for
awhile, but it’s time he took on some real responsibility. I was wondering if there might be a vacancy at the company? Ned has
real potential, and I would hope that my reputation might count for something. Ned is that something.
I may be out of sight, but I still like to consider myself a company stakeholder. You’ll know how it is when you’re old and tucked
away in some forgotten cave, cold and lonely (some people call it retirement). Anyway, I’m sure you will see Ned’s promise for
yourself. I’m just hoping to get him in the door.
Sincerely,
Dred Ellis
***************
Date: May 5th, 2008
Ned Ellis
12 Roosting Road
Philadelphia, PA
Dear Mr. Ellis:
Vampire, Inc. is pleased to offer you a job as a Vampire Associate. As a Vampire Associate, your job description will include the
recruitment of new Vampire Associates through our patented charm-and-then-bite® recruiting formula. We trust that your
good breeding, alacrity, and focused recruiting of new Vampire Associates will be among our most valuable assets.
Should you accept this job offer, per company policy you will be eligible to receive the following beginning on your hire date.
- Salary: Annual gross starting salary of 3,000 blood transfusions, paid in biweekly installments by your choice of IV or self-
extraction through meat delivery
- Performance Bonuses: Up to 15 blood transfusions
- Benefits: Standard, Vampire-provided benefits for salaried-exempt employees, including the following
o 401(k) retirement account
o Annual stock options
o Post-death calamity insurance
o Sick leave
To accept this position:
1. Sign and date this job offer letter where indicated below.
2. Sign and date the enclosed Non-Compete Agreement where indicated.
3. Sign and date the enclosed Confidentiality Agreement where indicated.
4. Sign and date the enclosed At-Will Employment Confirmation where indicated.
5. Mail all pages of the signed and dated documents listed above back to us in the enclosed business-reply envelope. A copy of
each document is enclosed for your records.
We at Vampire, Inc. hope that you'll accept this job offer, and we look forward to welcoming you aboard. I will be your immediate
supervisor, and please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions.
Sincerely,
Rod Eyeflint.
Enclosures: 8
RE/jw
Accept Job Offer
By signing and dating this letter below, I, Ned Ellis, accept this job offer of Vampire Associate by Vampire Inc.
Signature: Ned Ellis Date: 5/6/08 .
***************
QUARTERLY SALES REPORT, short form.
Date: 9/1/08
Team Identification Code: FlintForce4
Team leader: Rod Eyeflint
Territory: Northwest Region
***************
The Viper Monthly, a newsletter publication of Vampire, Inc.
September Edition
UNVEILING THE NEW CORPORATE MENTORING PROGRAM
Vampire Inc., looks for new ways to integrate new, nontraditional Vampire Associates into the Vampire Family.
by Dillon Gentscrib
Traditionally, hereditary Vampires have a much quicker adjustment time to company culture than the newly bitten. When our
new Vampire Associates reported that they needed more training, the discussions went to the highest level. Our executive team
consulted with the Vampire Resources Department for eight months before rolling out the new Corporate Mentoring Program.
Early feedback? Both new and old alike say that it will change the way Vampire does business.
Each hereditary Vampire is asked to mentor their own, newly recruited Vampire Associates as they begin their own recruiting
careers. Currently, 90 percent of staff are either hereditary Vampires from families of distinction or have worked extensively in
business. At Vampire Inc., we make sure that our Vampire Associates feel comfortable, no matter what their background.
“I thought it would be hard to make the transition from finance consulting to recruiting,” said Adonna Adolt, new blood recruited
by Rod Eyeflint, hereditary Vampire and Manager. “When I was still working in investments, Rod sought me out at an evening
ballroom dancing class. It wasn’t too long after that when I found myself “bitten by the Vampire bug”, and had to go through
that adjustment. But when Rod took us all out salsa dancing as part of the mentoring program, I felt at home. Rod showed me
that this job allows me to interact with people, to get close to them in a way no other job can. I’m really thankful to Rod for
that.”
The mentoring program is also a great way to encourage new Vampire Associates to build relationships with each other.
Hereditary Vampire Ned Ellis, from the longstanding Ellis tradition of Vampires, was caught by your faithful correspondent with
his batch of newly recruited Vampire Associates on their way out for entertainment.
“Ned e-mailed us about what we wanted to do, and I deleted it,” said Ned Ellis’s newly recruited Associate, Tina Burnett. “But
someone else replied-to-all, and I wanted to hear more. We had a lot of common… four out of five us were single moms, and the
fifth was going through a divorce.”
“We all agreed that as new Vampires, we were having trouble using the charm-and-then-bite® Vampire recruiting formula on
anyone besides our ex-husbands,” said Victoria Vix, another recruit from Ned.
“When I went out in the dark of night with all intentions of appearing ghastly, my mother suggested I try Nyquil. Worse, people
mistook my Vampire presentations for symptoms of PMS,” said Burnett. “That was a big roadblock for me. It was nice to learn
that other people felt the same way.”
“Ned suggested we go to a wine tasting. We chose adult entertainment. He didn’t stand up to us. We almost made Ned do a
pre-show, but let him off the hook,” said Burnett. “Maybe later,” added Vix.
When your correspondent directed his questioning to Ned on this topic, he was unavailable for comment, so Victoria Vix had the
last say.
“I love the mentoring program… I love Ned! We get a girls night, Ned pays! Win-win!”
***************
MEMORANDUM:
To: Rod Eyeflint
From: Aleanna Sharpe
Date: 10/17/08
Re: Ned Ellis
In response to your request for feedback on Mr. Ellis’s progress in my introductory etiquette class, I must say that my
impression is that Ned is a reluctant student in great need of remediation. He is certainly engaged during our wine tasting
sessions, but he continues to detect traces of patchouli in the bouquets of sampled red wines, no matter how often I assert
that there are none to be found. He also has asked me if there were going to be any classes devoted to the Art of Hookah. I
told him that this sort of behavior might be acceptable in the business cultures such as that of the Genies, but that it wasn’t the
Vampire way. This seemed to do the trick, and although he is unremarkable in my class, he has begun to grasp the
expectations. I can only recommend further sessions.
Cordially yours,
Aleanna Sharpe
***************
To: Rod Eyeflint <Roderick.eyeflint@vampire.vp>
From: Andre Liccard <andredances@yahoo.com>
10/26/08
Re: Dance Lessons — Ned Ellis
rodderboy! good to hear from u! my favorite student. in response 2 ur query… well, let me say first that i usually don’t give
feedback on my students, as their progress is their own to evaluate. buuuut, i am willing to make exceptions for a friend such as
yourself, one of my favorite old students (*and* I never forget that you vampire folks provide 90% of my businessJ) anyway,
ned’s attendance is good. he stays behind to step on the feet of one of our female students, i suppose you might call it extra
practice… as far as progress, i am always surprised how the hopeless cases snap to attention when you’d least expect it. i’m still
waiting on ned. so far, i have seen him jazzed up only during our Latin dance session. he waltzed to the tune of lou bega’s
mambo no. 5 … i throw up my hands! just keep sending him over, and i’ll take care of the rest.—andre
***************
Date: 10/28/07
To: Rod Eyeflint
From: Ned Ellis
To a Great Boss!
Sincerely yours,
Ned Ellis
(This card originally had one gift card attached for Boston Market made to the amount of $15. Inscribed, to a great boss. )
***************
CONSEQUENTIAL REVIEW
District Manager: Rod Eyeflint
Date: 11/01/07
Time: 4:00 A.M.
Re: Consequential Feedback — Ned Ellis
Note: After reviewing my team’s numbers, and noting persistent and pervasive stagnation in Mr. Ned Ellis’ target area, I invited
him to a formalized meeting to discuss his poor outcomes. I have previously had several “drop-in” coaching sessions with Mr.
Ellis, but he said my presence disturbed him while he was “in-the-act” and that immediately post-recruiting was also not a good
time as his adrenalin was spiked. I decided that a more regularized setting would help him focus on my words, and I recorded
the meeting (with his consent). The transcript of the meeting follows, with action steps summarized afterwards.
R. — Good Morning, Ned. I’m glad you could come in.
N. — Good Morning.
R. — I hope you don’t mind — I’m trying to run a very tidy office here, and I thought it would be helpful to record this meeting
for the purpose of proper documentation. You don’t mind, do you?
N. — Oh? No, of course not.
R. — Great. It will help me keep my AA busy transcribing. <laughter> Anyway, anyway, anyway. I happened to catch your
recruitment tonight on the magic mirror. Do you mind if we talk about it?
N.— It wasn’t my greatest interaction.
R.— That’s all right. We’re all here to learn. Let’s just see what we can get out of this. What do you think went well?
N.— Well… I think my Average Contact Time is consistently very short, so I can plan more interactions in one night.
R. — That’s very true, Ned, and I appreciate that. I’m trying to move the team toward shorter contact times, so we are better
placed against our competition, the Werewolves. What else went well?
N. — The recruitment was successful. We have a new Vampire Associate.
R. — Correct again, you know how concerned I am with the Bottom Line. Anything else go well?
N. — Not sure.
R. — Ok, that’s fine, that’s fine, we don’t need to belabor a point. Now, just for proper reflection — what do you think could
have gone better?
N. — Not sure.
R. — Oh, you must have some idea…?
R. — You said this wasn’t your best recruitment…?
R. — How about your grossly inflamed face?
N. — I wasn’t aware that the prospect had mace.
R. — Now we are getting somewhere. Why do you feel you missed that information?
N. — It’s just… I feel so pressured, everything goes so fast…
R. — I’m sorry you feel so pressured. Why do you go so fast?
N. — So I can plan more business, get my bonus…
R. — It’s true that the drive for more business can be stressful. But I think we’ve talked before about how lasting relationships
are made with the company by just relating and meeting needs. <pause on recording> Did you get a sense of the woman —
what was her name?
N. — I didn’t catch it.
R. — Right. Did you get a sense of her needs?
N. — Not exactly.
R. — Did you think about trying to understand her before you went in?
N.— Not exactly.
R. — Let’s go back a little. What exactly was your strategy?
N. — <almost inaudibly> It’s called the Popeye.
R. — What?
N. — My strategy.
R. — What?
N. — It’s called the Popeye, my strategy.
R. — There’s a name for it?
N. — I learned it from my dad. You go out in your finest suit —
R. — Yes, by the way, that was a very fetching suit.
N. — It’s Armani. You go in your finest, and you pick up some boiled spinach (I usually get mine from Boston Market).
R. — That’s where your sell was this evening.
N. — It was.
R. — Go on.
N. — So, in the cover of moonlight, you wrap some spinach around your fang,
R. — You wrap spinach around your fang?
N. — Yes. You wait for a single customer to come out into the parking lot.
R. — I think I see where this is going.
N.— You walk up to them and ask if they can see if you have spinach on your tooth…
R. — <barely audible> Oh God.
N. — And when they lean in, you bite.
R. — That’s the Popeye.
N. — Worked for my dad.
R. — Ok. <gap on recording> It definitely works, and I can see why your dad picked the name. If only the young woman hadn’t
had mace.
N. — The same thing I thought.
R. — Do you think she will be much use to us as a Vampire, in this case? Do you think she will be a team leader, recruiting many
new Vampires? Will she refer us new business?
N. — I’m not sure.
R. — Do you think she will support other Vampires in legal or financial trouble? Do you think she can work towards the noble
cause of getting some of our less fortunate members out of the bat caves and into real society?
N. — Couldn’t say.
R. — Where is your father now with, with his Popeye method?
N. — He’s roosting in a train tunnel in North Philadelphia.
R. — That’s right. I remember. Well, I didn’t mean to bring that up. I know it must be an area of concern for you. Your dear old
dad. Anyway, anyway anyway. <pause on recording>
N. — I’m sorry, was there a question?
R. — No, I’m sorry, sorry for that diversion. The elderly do suffer, that’s why we’re here, to take care of them, save money for
them, make them proud of the jobs they pulled strings to get for us ... which brings me back to our topic. How do you think
you could have found out more about our client today?
N. — Found out more… found out more… by asking her?
R. — So true, so true. Ask her! Develop rapport! One thing we don’t have to be in this line of work is bloodless. You looked
good in that suit. Did you think of charming her?
N.— I couldn’t.
R.— Why ever not?
N.— It wouldn’t have worked. It opens me up to attack.
R.— Not more so than the mace, I’m sure. Let me put it this way. What would you say are three adjectives that describe a
Vampire?
N.— I’m not good with the parts of speech.
R.— Did you watch that training video I gave you, the one where I brought Adonna into the company?
N.— The one where you dance, bite, and then you speak?
R.— The one where I recruited three women in one evening at a select Manhattan dancing establishment through the use of
Latin dance, and then explained the highlights of the feat at the Vampire National conference. What were the three features of
Vampires that I discussed?
N. — Suave?
R. — Sure.
N. — Striking?
R. — Definitely.
N. — Irresistible?
R. — Of course. Do you think any of these areas might be growth areas for you?
N. — Maybe.
R. — And do you think that if you worked on them, you might get more business?
N. — Maybe.
R. — What’s holding you back?
N. — I don’t know. Charm?
R. — Haven’t you been working on that? Didn’t I have you in some refresher courses?
N. — A couple.
R. — I think I suggested a full regimen of ballroom dancing and wine tasting to put the twinkle back on your tooth. I asked you
to watch some videos from our training library of Vampire success stories… Did I not?
N. — I’ve been trying, I… it just hasn’t been enough time.
R. — Well. I think you sensed the gravity of this situation.
N. — <faintly> Yes.
R. — You know Ned, I respect your father a lot, and what he represents. Not everyone listens to old bats anymore or feels sorry
for them, but I do. So I’ve tried to talk to you about this. And I even set up those classes. I am trying to help you, in any way I
can, but I am not getting the same effort from you. I need a little more commitment. Can I get that from you?
N. — I tried… I mean, sure. Am I close to losing my job?
R. — Don’t make it that sinister. We’re a fun-loving company, and I don’t want this to ever stop being fun. We’re a team.
N. — Where do I sign?
R. — I had my AA prepare this contract in advance. Just sign here.
N. — Where’s a pen?
R. — I think I want something a little more indelible than ink.
[Note: At this point the transcript contains a three second gap on the tape, followed by a “No,” and then 23 seconds of
shrieking. As one might guess, this is only to be expected when extracting plasma from the salesperson’s jugular to be mixed
with truth serum for further monitoring by the Quality Control Department.]
R. — Back in business?
N. — Yes.
R. — Great. Your formal performance evaluation will be in 90 days.
[end of transcript]
IMPRESSIONS:
I feel that I did a particularly good job during this session with Ned. I took pains to show compassion to Ned, and I let him
discover his own growth areas. However, I am concerned that Ned’s behavior is borderline passive-aggressive. I am not certain
that he believes in the Vampire way of doing business. I will be following up on Ned’s progress.
ACTION PLAN
After a discussion with Mr. Ned Ellis, we decided on the following action steps:
1. That Ned Ellis continue to be required to take ballroom dancing lessons 2 nights per week, wine tasting seminars once a week,
and review our library of Vampire training videos, during his own time and at his own expense.
2. That Ned Ellis show substantial (greater than 20%) improvement on his recruitment numbers by the end of the fourth
quarter.
3. That Ned Ellis wear foundation make-up until the injuries from his mace incident are resolved.
If Ned Ellis does not complete the above, he will be subject to disciplinary review and possible termination.
I put this contract into effect following the extraction of blood from one Vampire Associate, NED ELLIS, collected by myself,
Manager, ROD EYEFLINT.
Signed,
X Ned Ellis
X Rod Eyeflint
Live the half-life you always wanted.
Vial is attached.
RE/jw/mm
Prologue:
[From the chat history of Janice Wilbug]
11/02/08: 4:33 PM Janice Wilbug: U there?
11/02/08: 434 PM Janice Wilbug: …
11/02/08: 4:34 PM Janice Wilbug: I guess ur busy. Just wanted to say u r a great friend, and don’t let those old bloodsuckers
get u down.
11/02/08: 4:37 PM Janice Wilbug: Oh, and also, I put an ad for a job in ur office mailbox, maybe u shd look into it.
***************
The Bleeding Heart Register
Evening Edition
10/30/08
WANT AD:
Do you want to Save a Life?
Work at the blood bank, and do your part to help the Red Cross aid the nation’s sick. Help recruit, and make volunteers and
donors feel comfortable during blood drives. Full-time, hours variable. No experience necessary. Contact Beth at 278-377-6363
to make a difference today.
***************************************************************************
VAMPIRE RESOURCE FILE: Ellis, Ned.
Date: 11/2/08
To: Janice Wilbug
From: Rod Eyeflint
Re: Assignment During Vacation
Janice,
I’ve attached, in chronological order, materials pertaining to current Vampire Associate Ned Ellis. I would like you to look over the
documents, highlight the dates (the duration of my evaluation will be important) and then forward them to Margie Anise in the
Vampire Resources Dept. Please set up an appointment with her to discuss this matter upon my return. Also, please monitor my
work e-mail and forward anything in the “grim reaper” category of urgency to my blackberry according to my rating system of
red flags, black flags, skull flags, and grim reaper flags. Otherwise, I do not wish to hear from anyone at the agency, as I hope
to fully enjoy my two weeks with Sandy in the Bavarian Black Forest. I appreciate in advance your sanguine demeanor with any
callers in my absence; you are, of course, my public face at this time. Also, as you agreed to take care of my newts and venus fly
trap collections, you will find their dietary restrictions taped to the freezer in the crypt.
Thanks again!
Rod
***************
The end of winter, (the sour cusp of spring)
2008
Dear Rod,
It’s been too long since I’ve talked to you. I miss the business... the constant rush of going out in the field, bringing new blood
into the company, and knowing that the people I bring in will be the face of tomorrow’s Vampire, Inc. I’m not made for
retirement (har har, I never thought I’d say that). I still receive the Viper Monthly, although it’s hard for me to read very long. I
find myself unfocused, hanging onto reality by my toes, as it were.
I’m sorry if I am too upfront — I’ve always been an unorthodox old bat. I’m writing because I saw that wonderful opinion piece
you wrote on the importance of business etiquette. I couldn’t agree more. Technology bedamned, the deal will always rest on
the inscrutable something that the Vampire brings to his interactions.
Which brings me to one of my other concerns... do you remember my son, Ned? I used to bring him around the office when he
was still teething. Born to be a Vampire, right? I think so, he thinks so, and I’m hoping you’ll think so. I’ve let him run loose for
awhile, but it’s time he took on some real responsibility. I was wondering if there might be a vacancy at the company? Ned has
real potential, and I would hope that my reputation might count for something. Ned is that something.
I may be out of sight, but I still like to consider myself a company stakeholder. You’ll know how it is when you’re old and tucked
away in some forgotten cave, cold and lonely (some people call it retirement). Anyway, I’m sure you will see Ned’s promise for
yourself. I’m just hoping to get him in the door.
Sincerely,
Dred Ellis
***************
Date: May 5th, 2008
Ned Ellis
12 Roosting Road
Philadelphia, PA
Dear Mr. Ellis:
Vampire, Inc. is pleased to offer you a job as a Vampire Associate. As a Vampire Associate, your job description will include the
recruitment of new Vampire Associates through our patented charm-and-then-bite® recruiting formula. We trust that your
good breeding, alacrity, and focused recruiting of new Vampire Associates will be among our most valuable assets.
Should you accept this job offer, per company policy you will be eligible to receive the following beginning on your hire date.
- Salary: Annual gross starting salary of 3,000 blood transfusions, paid in biweekly installments by your choice of IV or self-
extraction through meat delivery
- Performance Bonuses: Up to 15 blood transfusions
- Benefits: Standard, Vampire-provided benefits for salaried-exempt employees, including the following
o 401(k) retirement account
o Annual stock options
o Post-death calamity insurance
o Sick leave
To accept this position:
1. Sign and date this job offer letter where indicated below.
2. Sign and date the enclosed Non-Compete Agreement where indicated.
3. Sign and date the enclosed Confidentiality Agreement where indicated.
4. Sign and date the enclosed At-Will Employment Confirmation where indicated.
5. Mail all pages of the signed and dated documents listed above back to us in the enclosed business-reply envelope. A copy of
each document is enclosed for your records.
We at Vampire, Inc. hope that you'll accept this job offer, and we look forward to welcoming you aboard. I will be your immediate
supervisor, and please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions.
Sincerely,
Rod Eyeflint.
Enclosures: 8
RE/jw
Accept Job Offer
By signing and dating this letter below, I, Ned Ellis, accept this job offer of Vampire Associate by Vampire Inc.
Signature: Ned Ellis Date: 5/6/08 .
***************
QUARTERLY SALES REPORT, short form.
Date: 9/1/08
Team Identification Code: FlintForce4
Team leader: Rod Eyeflint
Territory: Northwest Region
***************
The Viper Monthly, a newsletter publication of Vampire, Inc.
September Edition
UNVEILING THE NEW CORPORATE MENTORING PROGRAM
Vampire Inc., looks for new ways to integrate new, nontraditional Vampire Associates into the Vampire Family.
by Dillon Gentscrib
Traditionally, hereditary Vampires have a much quicker adjustment time to company culture than the newly bitten. When our
new Vampire Associates reported that they needed more training, the discussions went to the highest level. Our executive team
consulted with the Vampire Resources Department for eight months before rolling out the new Corporate Mentoring Program.
Early feedback? Both new and old alike say that it will change the way Vampire does business.
Each hereditary Vampire is asked to mentor their own, newly recruited Vampire Associates as they begin their own recruiting
careers. Currently, 90 percent of staff are either hereditary Vampires from families of distinction or have worked extensively in
business. At Vampire Inc., we make sure that our Vampire Associates feel comfortable, no matter what their background.
“I thought it would be hard to make the transition from finance consulting to recruiting,” said Adonna Adolt, new blood recruited
by Rod Eyeflint, hereditary Vampire and Manager. “When I was still working in investments, Rod sought me out at an evening
ballroom dancing class. It wasn’t too long after that when I found myself “bitten by the Vampire bug”, and had to go through
that adjustment. But when Rod took us all out salsa dancing as part of the mentoring program, I felt at home. Rod showed me
that this job allows me to interact with people, to get close to them in a way no other job can. I’m really thankful to Rod for
that.”
The mentoring program is also a great way to encourage new Vampire Associates to build relationships with each other.
Hereditary Vampire Ned Ellis, from the longstanding Ellis tradition of Vampires, was caught by your faithful correspondent with
his batch of newly recruited Vampire Associates on their way out for entertainment.
“Ned e-mailed us about what we wanted to do, and I deleted it,” said Ned Ellis’s newly recruited Associate, Tina Burnett. “But
someone else replied-to-all, and I wanted to hear more. We had a lot of common… four out of five us were single moms, and the
fifth was going through a divorce.”
“We all agreed that as new Vampires, we were having trouble using the charm-and-then-bite® Vampire recruiting formula on
anyone besides our ex-husbands,” said Victoria Vix, another recruit from Ned.
“When I went out in the dark of night with all intentions of appearing ghastly, my mother suggested I try Nyquil. Worse, people
mistook my Vampire presentations for symptoms of PMS,” said Burnett. “That was a big roadblock for me. It was nice to learn
that other people felt the same way.”
“Ned suggested we go to a wine tasting. We chose adult entertainment. He didn’t stand up to us. We almost made Ned do a
pre-show, but let him off the hook,” said Burnett. “Maybe later,” added Vix.
When your correspondent directed his questioning to Ned on this topic, he was unavailable for comment, so Victoria Vix had the
last say.
“I love the mentoring program… I love Ned! We get a girls night, Ned pays! Win-win!”
***************
MEMORANDUM:
To: Rod Eyeflint
From: Aleanna Sharpe
Date: 10/17/08
Re: Ned Ellis
In response to your request for feedback on Mr. Ellis’s progress in my introductory etiquette class, I must say that my
impression is that Ned is a reluctant student in great need of remediation. He is certainly engaged during our wine tasting
sessions, but he continues to detect traces of patchouli in the bouquets of sampled red wines, no matter how often I assert
that there are none to be found. He also has asked me if there were going to be any classes devoted to the Art of Hookah. I
told him that this sort of behavior might be acceptable in the business cultures such as that of the Genies, but that it wasn’t the
Vampire way. This seemed to do the trick, and although he is unremarkable in my class, he has begun to grasp the
expectations. I can only recommend further sessions.
Cordially yours,
Aleanna Sharpe
***************
To: Rod Eyeflint <Roderick.eyeflint@vampire.vp>
From: Andre Liccard <andredances@yahoo.com>
10/26/08
Re: Dance Lessons — Ned Ellis
rodderboy! good to hear from u! my favorite student. in response 2 ur query… well, let me say first that i usually don’t give
feedback on my students, as their progress is their own to evaluate. buuuut, i am willing to make exceptions for a friend such as
yourself, one of my favorite old students (*and* I never forget that you vampire folks provide 90% of my businessJ) anyway,
ned’s attendance is good. he stays behind to step on the feet of one of our female students, i suppose you might call it extra
practice… as far as progress, i am always surprised how the hopeless cases snap to attention when you’d least expect it. i’m still
waiting on ned. so far, i have seen him jazzed up only during our Latin dance session. he waltzed to the tune of lou bega’s
mambo no. 5 … i throw up my hands! just keep sending him over, and i’ll take care of the rest.—andre
***************
Date: 10/28/07
To: Rod Eyeflint
From: Ned Ellis
To a Great Boss!
Sincerely yours,
Ned Ellis
(This card originally had one gift card attached for Boston Market made to the amount of $15. Inscribed, to a great boss. )
***************
CONSEQUENTIAL REVIEW
District Manager: Rod Eyeflint
Date: 11/01/07
Time: 4:00 A.M.
Re: Consequential Feedback — Ned Ellis
Note: After reviewing my team’s numbers, and noting persistent and pervasive stagnation in Mr. Ned Ellis’ target area, I invited
him to a formalized meeting to discuss his poor outcomes. I have previously had several “drop-in” coaching sessions with Mr.
Ellis, but he said my presence disturbed him while he was “in-the-act” and that immediately post-recruiting was also not a good
time as his adrenalin was spiked. I decided that a more regularized setting would help him focus on my words, and I recorded
the meeting (with his consent). The transcript of the meeting follows, with action steps summarized afterwards.
R. — Good Morning, Ned. I’m glad you could come in.
N. — Good Morning.
R. — I hope you don’t mind — I’m trying to run a very tidy office here, and I thought it would be helpful to record this meeting
for the purpose of proper documentation. You don’t mind, do you?
N. — Oh? No, of course not.
R. — Great. It will help me keep my AA busy transcribing. <laughter> Anyway, anyway, anyway. I happened to catch your
recruitment tonight on the magic mirror. Do you mind if we talk about it?
N.— It wasn’t my greatest interaction.
R.— That’s all right. We’re all here to learn. Let’s just see what we can get out of this. What do you think went well?
N.— Well… I think my Average Contact Time is consistently very short, so I can plan more interactions in one night.
R. — That’s very true, Ned, and I appreciate that. I’m trying to move the team toward shorter contact times, so we are better
placed against our competition, the Werewolves. What else went well?
N. — The recruitment was successful. We have a new Vampire Associate.
R. — Correct again, you know how concerned I am with the Bottom Line. Anything else go well?
N. — Not sure.
R. — Ok, that’s fine, that’s fine, we don’t need to belabor a point. Now, just for proper reflection — what do you think could
have gone better?
N. — Not sure.
R. — Oh, you must have some idea…?
R. — You said this wasn’t your best recruitment…?
R. — How about your grossly inflamed face?
N. — I wasn’t aware that the prospect had mace.
R. — Now we are getting somewhere. Why do you feel you missed that information?
N. — It’s just… I feel so pressured, everything goes so fast…
R. — I’m sorry you feel so pressured. Why do you go so fast?
N. — So I can plan more business, get my bonus…
R. — It’s true that the drive for more business can be stressful. But I think we’ve talked before about how lasting relationships
are made with the company by just relating and meeting needs. <pause on recording> Did you get a sense of the woman —
what was her name?
N. — I didn’t catch it.
R. — Right. Did you get a sense of her needs?
N. — Not exactly.
R. — Did you think about trying to understand her before you went in?
N.— Not exactly.
R. — Let’s go back a little. What exactly was your strategy?
N. — <almost inaudibly> It’s called the Popeye.
R. — What?
N. — My strategy.
R. — What?
N. — It’s called the Popeye, my strategy.
R. — There’s a name for it?
N. — I learned it from my dad. You go out in your finest suit —
R. — Yes, by the way, that was a very fetching suit.
N. — It’s Armani. You go in your finest, and you pick up some boiled spinach (I usually get mine from Boston Market).
R. — That’s where your sell was this evening.
N. — It was.
R. — Go on.
N. — So, in the cover of moonlight, you wrap some spinach around your fang,
R. — You wrap spinach around your fang?
N. — Yes. You wait for a single customer to come out into the parking lot.
R. — I think I see where this is going.
N.— You walk up to them and ask if they can see if you have spinach on your tooth…
R. — <barely audible> Oh God.
N. — And when they lean in, you bite.
R. — That’s the Popeye.
N. — Worked for my dad.
R. — Ok. <gap on recording> It definitely works, and I can see why your dad picked the name. If only the young woman hadn’t
had mace.
N. — The same thing I thought.
R. — Do you think she will be much use to us as a Vampire, in this case? Do you think she will be a team leader, recruiting many
new Vampires? Will she refer us new business?
N. — I’m not sure.
R. — Do you think she will support other Vampires in legal or financial trouble? Do you think she can work towards the noble
cause of getting some of our less fortunate members out of the bat caves and into real society?
N. — Couldn’t say.
R. — Where is your father now with, with his Popeye method?
N. — He’s roosting in a train tunnel in North Philadelphia.
R. — That’s right. I remember. Well, I didn’t mean to bring that up. I know it must be an area of concern for you. Your dear old
dad. Anyway, anyway anyway. <pause on recording>
N. — I’m sorry, was there a question?
R. — No, I’m sorry, sorry for that diversion. The elderly do suffer, that’s why we’re here, to take care of them, save money for
them, make them proud of the jobs they pulled strings to get for us ... which brings me back to our topic. How do you think
you could have found out more about our client today?
N. — Found out more… found out more… by asking her?
R. — So true, so true. Ask her! Develop rapport! One thing we don’t have to be in this line of work is bloodless. You looked
good in that suit. Did you think of charming her?
N.— I couldn’t.
R.— Why ever not?
N.— It wouldn’t have worked. It opens me up to attack.
R.— Not more so than the mace, I’m sure. Let me put it this way. What would you say are three adjectives that describe a
Vampire?
N.— I’m not good with the parts of speech.
R.— Did you watch that training video I gave you, the one where I brought Adonna into the company?
N.— The one where you dance, bite, and then you speak?
R.— The one where I recruited three women in one evening at a select Manhattan dancing establishment through the use of
Latin dance, and then explained the highlights of the feat at the Vampire National conference. What were the three features of
Vampires that I discussed?
N. — Suave?
R. — Sure.
N. — Striking?
R. — Definitely.
N. — Irresistible?
R. — Of course. Do you think any of these areas might be growth areas for you?
N. — Maybe.
R. — And do you think that if you worked on them, you might get more business?
N. — Maybe.
R. — What’s holding you back?
N. — I don’t know. Charm?
R. — Haven’t you been working on that? Didn’t I have you in some refresher courses?
N. — A couple.
R. — I think I suggested a full regimen of ballroom dancing and wine tasting to put the twinkle back on your tooth. I asked you
to watch some videos from our training library of Vampire success stories… Did I not?
N. — I’ve been trying, I… it just hasn’t been enough time.
R. — Well. I think you sensed the gravity of this situation.
N. — <faintly> Yes.
R. — You know Ned, I respect your father a lot, and what he represents. Not everyone listens to old bats anymore or feels sorry
for them, but I do. So I’ve tried to talk to you about this. And I even set up those classes. I am trying to help you, in any way I
can, but I am not getting the same effort from you. I need a little more commitment. Can I get that from you?
N. — I tried… I mean, sure. Am I close to losing my job?
R. — Don’t make it that sinister. We’re a fun-loving company, and I don’t want this to ever stop being fun. We’re a team.
N. — Where do I sign?
R. — I had my AA prepare this contract in advance. Just sign here.
N. — Where’s a pen?
R. — I think I want something a little more indelible than ink.
[Note: At this point the transcript contains a three second gap on the tape, followed by a “No,” and then 23 seconds of
shrieking. As one might guess, this is only to be expected when extracting plasma from the salesperson’s jugular to be mixed
with truth serum for further monitoring by the Quality Control Department.]
R. — Back in business?
N. — Yes.
R. — Great. Your formal performance evaluation will be in 90 days.
[end of transcript]
IMPRESSIONS:
I feel that I did a particularly good job during this session with Ned. I took pains to show compassion to Ned, and I let him
discover his own growth areas. However, I am concerned that Ned’s behavior is borderline passive-aggressive. I am not certain
that he believes in the Vampire way of doing business. I will be following up on Ned’s progress.
ACTION PLAN
After a discussion with Mr. Ned Ellis, we decided on the following action steps:
1. That Ned Ellis continue to be required to take ballroom dancing lessons 2 nights per week, wine tasting seminars once a week,
and review our library of Vampire training videos, during his own time and at his own expense.
2. That Ned Ellis show substantial (greater than 20%) improvement on his recruitment numbers by the end of the fourth
quarter.
3. That Ned Ellis wear foundation make-up until the injuries from his mace incident are resolved.
If Ned Ellis does not complete the above, he will be subject to disciplinary review and possible termination.
I put this contract into effect following the extraction of blood from one Vampire Associate, NED ELLIS, collected by myself,
Manager, ROD EYEFLINT.
Signed,
X Ned Ellis
X Rod Eyeflint
Live the half-life you always wanted.
Vial is attached.
RE/jw/mm
Moira Moody
| Team Member | Quarterly Goal | Met? | Goal |
|---|---|---|---|
| Adonna Adolt | 10 recruits | Exceeded by 20% | New Associate, quick study. |
| Carmen Con Vargus | 16 recruits | Short by 4 % | Improved over Q1. |
| Ned Ellis | 6 Recruits | Short by 40% | Son of Dred Ellis. Needs improvement. Have signed up for advanced skills lessons in select areas. Have asked Ellis to review library of successful Vampire interactions. Have coached Ellis on informal basis. |
| Albert Loidort | 24 Recruits | Exceeded by 3% | Team Leader |
| Nicola Vamderbilt | 13 Recruits | Met | Satisfactory |
| Wilhelm Wartmong | 12 Recruits | Met | Satisfactory |